Lately it seems every time I start a blog post, I’m immediately apologizing for how long it’s been since the last one.
I started this blog as an outlet, as a way of connecting with a virtual audience in my post-Facebook (previous post: Life after Facebook), remote-living existence.
But I’ve struggled with finding a consistent theme for my posts (should I talk about homesteading? should I talk about the kids? cooking? the awesome yoga class I made it to today?) because IRL I am completely torn between all these competing interests and at the end of the day – after all the ball-juggling – I feel too psychologically depleted to be reflective about any of it. This sucks, because the reflection is actually my favorite part.
But blogging has become just one more responsibility, just one more chore. One more thing to feel guilty about not having accomplished.
It’s infinitely easier just to pop a cute picture from my phone up on the Instas and let it speak for itself, so my brain doesn’t have to engage more than necessary. And I have plenty of cute photos, so it’s no struggle.
But I don’t like easy. Easy isn’t my jam.
Depth – Thoughtfulness – Engagement – Inquisitiveness. Those are my jam. If I wanted to just check out of my life and mindlessly post pics to Instagram all day, I could totally do that. But I want to remember the feelings connected to those photos. I want to remember what it all meant. That’s what writing is for.
And so I’ll publish this post, and send it – like a message in a bottle – out to the world. Maybe it will just come back to me, unopened and unread. And maybe that’s ok, too. Because when it does, I will likely need the reminder – the encouragement not to give up. To keep looking for meaning, to keep trying to understand, and to keep trying to process this crazy thing called life.
The days right now are so busy and so full, it’s easy to forget that it won’t always be this way.
The kids will get older, have hobbies and friends. My day job might always be demanding, but it won’t always be this new – it won’t always be one massive learning curve. Homesteading might always be a challenge, but after two years, we are slowly working on getting our routines down, our equipment in working order, and things are slowly becoming more manageable. We are, quite literally, in the “building fences” phase of homesteading. It is a ton more work than we ever could have realized. Labor of love and all, but definitely work. But one day all the fences will be built. They’ll just require maintenance and repair. Will I remember the feeling of starting this whole enterprise? How exciting and how scary and completely overwhelming it all was? I hope so.
I hope I can remember all of this. I’m in the thick of it right now. I’ve got my dream job, my dream home, my insane – but dreamy! – family. It’s a lot to have all at once. But I know enough people older than myself to know that this doesn’t last forever, and I want to leave something for myself to look back on and appreciate, in the quiet times. (Maybe for my kids too, though I don’t presume to know whether any of this will matter to them.)
But for now, there’s work to do, laundry to fold and a garden to weed, chickens to feed and dinner to prepare, kids to pick up – and then tomorrow I’ll do it all again. And I hope I can find the time and determination to write about it, for myself if for nobody else.